One year

One year ago today, I left the life I knew to come here. I won't lie, it's been hard. It helps though that there is no old life to go back to. This is all that there is. The house I lived in has been rented to someone else. I'm divorced from the person to whom I was married. I have a completely different job and live in a different city. I don't even look the same as I did, to where I don't know if the ID photo I had at the time would even be usable at an airport.

Whether it's been worth it or not remains to be seen. I'm happier in some ways, though I know I have developed unhealthy habits. I've decided to isolate myself from in-person contact for a time. I have things to do, things to write, etc. I don't have the bandwith for in-person contact, with its many demands.

I miss my old life, but it's like missing a bygone era that no longer exists. The creative life, that's the only thing that means anything to me these days.

The Solo Act

This past weekend I went on a vacation alone for the first time in nearly 20 years, to the coast here. I enjoy traveling alone--I like setting my own schedule and doing whatever I care to do. Dining alone is something that doesn't really bother me, though I will say when you're going out with someone else it feels a bit more normalizing as far as fitting in with other people. You also don't have to worry about someone grabbing your table/seat while you're gone, something that has happened to me before.

I spent most of my time walking around, looking at the ocean, and drinking beer. Went to a more touristy area later and didn't like it as much, though I had fun playing this odd skeeball/bingo hybrid called Fascination. I still feel sad sometimes, but it's more of a baseline of sadness that doesn't draw attention to itself. Sadness as an ongoing condition, like eye color or the shape of one's nose.

My father-in-law, about whom I wrote in the early days of this blog, passed away ten years ago today. We did not often get along, but I was glad that I was able to make things right with him in his final days. He had flaws, but was a good soul, and was a better man than I could ever hope of being.