Good Riddance, or How I Am When I'm At Work.

We had three retirements at my job this week. A potluck was held, which I didn't participate in. We returned to the office full time in 2025, we've had a few events at work since then. After a few attempts at participating, I decided I wasn't going to try that anymore. Even though I've worked here nearly seven years, I still feel out of place and I've realized it's going to be like that till I retire. I think some of it is that notorious Northwest Freeze, but I've never really fit in with anyone at my workplace other than the occasional superficial plesantries [and as I'll mention later, sometimes not even that.]

The first day we came back to the office, I went to our tiny, inadequate galley kitchen to put my lunch in the fridge. A younger guy was walking down the hallway. I said hello, and he glared at me and said nothing. That's pretty much my whole experience here. Another guy, in HR, would occasionally be in the office back when we were still working from home full-time [I would have to come in a few times a month to deposit checks and do a few other in-person activities.] He would blare music on his radio, sing along loudly, and generally behave as if he were at home without thinking about others. When we returned to the office, he'd be friendy and gregarious with everyone--except [you guessed it] for me. He would remain silent and unsmiling when I said hello. After a while, I stopped saying anything when I saw him, since that's the tone he apparently wanted to set with me.

Sometimes over the last couple of years, we've had award ceremonies, and my team has won awards. I've been to a couple of them, each time I had the junior high school feeling of being unable to find a table to sit out when we had our lunch. Often I would try to sit somewhere only to be told the seat was taken. Even my boss and other people I thought were at least somewhat friendly didn't seem to want me to sit there. I'm an adult, and this isn't junior high. I don't have to be in these situations if I choose not to be, and after the last time over the summer, I decided that was it.

The awards are a lot of bullshit, largely. I've seen a lot of the laziest people get awards [especially in my office] who spend all their time doing "morale based" activites and complain when they're asked to do their actual jobs or assist other teams. It's a situation where most of the work is done by a small percentage of people and everyone else just sits around and chit chats all day. My boss has been out and left a bunch of stuff undone without taking care of it first, and not letting us know what we needed to do. I got a call this week about an outstanding item connected to a former employee who had transferred to another location and it was causing them issues in the system where they worked now. My boss could have helped, but was gone, and only this one person who had formerly had accesss to the system could enter the required approval to clear things up. She complained, didn't want to do it, eventually did, but then deleted herself from the system so she could never be asked to help out with it ever again. I sit near this person, and she spends most of her time looking at her phone, chatting with co-workers, and going "on break." Every time she does, I say to myself, "On break from what?" She routinely gets awards at these events.

We have a lot of hardworking people out in the field, and I don't mean to disparage them. They deserve every bit of recognition they get, and should get more. But it seems really upside down in my offce.

Anyway, all that to say that I no longer go to events, and remain at my desk at potlucks and most other celebrations, anything that I can't comfortably do alone. The HR guy was one of the retirements this week, and I kept thinking that yes, it's a celebration, a celebration that he will no longer be there. Only about 6-7 years to go till I no longer have to be there either. I plan to just leave my ID badge and other stuff one day at my desk, leave, and send a text the next day saying I'm gone.....

The Devils

Yesterday I saw the restored version of Ken Russell's The Devils, which I had not seen since a mid-80s run on The Movie Channel. I was 12 and full on into my attempt to corrupt myself by seeing movies I was way too young to watch. I think it largely went over my head then, but I enjoyed it this time. I had been watching a lot of his other work in preparation for this, which involved a re-watch of Lisztomania, which I had seen around that same pre-teen timeframe, and The Music Lovers, which I had never seen before and found mesmerizing.

The movie is so big and brash, the performances all so strong, some are over-the-top, but in a good way. I think what I enjoyed most was Derek Jarman's design for the convent. The major scene that was restored is still shocking, over 50 years later. There were scenes I remembered from my first viewing, which always gives me a happy feeling. I hardly ever buy physical media anymore [bad me] but I'll probably shell out for this once it comes out.

In other news, ventured to a cemetery in Washington, not far from here, saw a few interesting stones but didn't stay long and decided to check out a wildlife refuge I had always been meaning to go to. Lots of walking, but since it's a refuge, it's pretty difficult to see many of the birds without good binoculars. I have some that are cheap but aren't super powerful. It didn't seem like there was much activity anyway saw a few egrets and herons. The Merlin app said there was a Belted Kingfisher around but I think it was hidden from view. I'll probably go again in the spring. Birdwatching has become a new interest, it somewhat falls along with hiking. I am not super obsessive about it yet. Give it time.

A reality check in the high desert....

I had an okay time on my trip. Half of the time I wanted to be back home, but I enjoyed one of the two things I ended up doing. The drive there was mostly enjoyable too----it's still so strange to me that one minute you're driving past Mount Hood and in the familiar PNW forest setting, then only a short time later, the landscape turns almost immediately starts to resemble New Mexico.

I learned a lot about limitations on this trip--mainly, I cannot do the steep, exposed, warm weather hikes. I bailed on the hike I had initially planned maybe a few minutes into it [who knew that a hike to a place called Misery Ridge would be so difficult?] I knew almost right away that it was too much for me and to continue would be to become one of those people that are ridiculed on social media. As it was, I had a lot of difficulty making my way back uphill to my car and had to stop several times. I ended up just hiking along the river and that was enjoyable, saw a lot of interesting birds and some lovely scenery, but realized when it was time to leave that it wasn't going to be a simple matter to just walk back up the way I'd come down. I should have not ventured into the majority of the park to begin with, and just stuck with a less difficult trail that didn't involve climbing down into the river canyon.

So I'm changing a lot of my plans for the next few years---thought I'd want to hike in Death Valley, Zion, and some of those other spots and I think thats out now. Possibly even Crater Lake is out. I'll play it by ear, and maybe got slightly out of shape over the last couple of months which contributed to my problem but I think I need to accept that I may be pretty much maxed out on the type of hikes I can handle. I also ran into some foot problems due to footwear not working out [going to have to return the fancy hiking shoes to REI...] It's probably going to need to be mostly flat things from now on, or shady forest hikes for anything involving elevation. And nothing involving major elevation in the summer months. This is really my first year of serious hiking so we'll see how it goes, but I'm going to take a step back from the major excursions. The hiking website I follow tends to understate the difficulty of a lot of the hikes, so I probably will stick to the ones it lists as "Easy" from now on and even look at those carefully.

On my second day there, I took a trip to the Painted Hills, which I had always wanted to see. The drive was about an hour an a half, through some of the smaller towns and then the Ochoco National Forest. Think that was another thing that soured me, I got tired of driving so much every day. I was worried that it would be a case where I spent more time driving than actually looking at things, but it turned out fine. I did a shortish hike up to an overlooking rim, high above. It was early but already a bit hot, but this hike was only slightly steep and it was pretty gradual. Enjoyed the view from above:

The Painted Hills are really popular, but I lucked out to where I always seemed to be leaving a place just as others arrived, so I got everything mostly to myself. This walkway through a couple of the larger hills is popular, but I enjoyed it in solitude.

I really enjoyed this one location simply called Red Hill. Otherworldly and wonderful.

I had originally planned for a third hike before leaving, but there was so much driving on both days that I had pretty much had enough after the Painted Hills. I rested in the motel room all afternoon, and went home early the next morning. And that may be it for me and travel for quite a while. I don't regret going, but I don't know whether the area has enough for me to want to return. I didn't see a lot of the other places that people often recommend. I may return, but it's not going to be high on my list and there are so many other things to see that I haven't gone to yet.

Scheming

Trying to figure out my trip. It's about a three hour drive, but I probably should stop and eat somewhere. And am I going to attempt the major hike as soon as I arrive at the park, or try and pace myself? It'll depend on how I'm feeling. I always huff and puff at first, so I'll have to judge if that's just the usual "not really warmed up yet" or if I've bitten off more than I can chew. But this hike isn't as much elevation gain [not-so-pro tip: elevation gain is a way bigger factor in a hike's difficulty than distance, though distance isn't negligible--but a mostly flat hike has to go a lot further to really test someone if they're at least somewhat used to hiking.] It also depends on how quickly the elevation gain happens [and I think this may be one of those that isn't super high elevation but the gain isn't gradual which makes it rough.]

I really want to see these fossil beds, but they're an hour drive from where I'm staying, and I'll probably spend more time driving there and back than I will actually looking at them. I also want to at least check out this hike in a lava field, but not sure how long I want to do that or if I want to plan the whole trip around it--and again, it's a bit of a drive, but just about everthing is like that in the high desert.

This will be the longest road trip I've taken since the two day drive where I moved up here. I'm excited. May do this other alpine hike and also check out this "wild west" type town. And of course new restaurants, breweries, etc...hope to take lots of photos. Oh, I still have one more day of work to get through first....

Trade-offs

I've enjoyed my homelife these last couple of years, the domestic arrangement with my ex and spending time with the dog. It's nice to be able to come home to something other than an empty apartment. But sometimes...

I miss silence, I don't really get that now unless I'm alone in my room or out by myself somewhere. Sometimes I think that's the point of all the hiking and outdoor activity, where I can just kind of be. I ended up not feeling like doing a major hike today, and went to a park that was new to me, but I really enjoyed it. It was a little over 3 miles, with some up and down but not enough to where it was difficult, just a little strenuous at times, which is what I need. Thursday I'm doing a more serious hike, which will be exposed. That's an adjustment for me, I'm used to tree coverage. It's also going to be pretty steep, pretty fast. Hopefully I'm up for it. Usualy the drive to take photos is enough to motivate me. Anyway, here's a pic from the place today. Leaves are changing, but not super fast.

"Ain't well, but I sure am better"

That was a title of a self-help book that was popular in the 70s. I used to read it when I was a teenager, trying to figure out a better way to exist in the world. It didn't take, but I still like some of the ideas. One of them was the concept of living life 5 minutes at a time. I don't do well at that, but it's something to aspire to. Now that I'm remembering better, this post title was a different book by the same author, but it was this kind of easy-going self-help concept. I think it was revealed years later that the author was some kind of sex addict.

Anyway, I am feeling better, and my mind is on the hiking trip I'm taking next week. Hoping to hike to a volcanic crater....

Sick

I seem to catch a cold every couple of months now, I blame the return to office mandate. Usually it results in my having to cancel something I was looking forward to, this time it was meeting a friend who was in town, thankfully they're returning in a month. I'm mostly over it now, got to work from home the last couple of work days. It's the busy time of year and I had to work a few hours over the weekend. But I figure it will help pay for a hiking vacation I'm taking in a few weeks, assuming I don't get sick again.

Been reading a lot of the literary/social critic Olivia Laing, highly recommend her book The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone. She is so good at weaving her personal story with profiles of artists and writers. I'm now reading an earlier book, The Trip to Echo Spring: On Writers and Drinking. Both my writing and my drinking have been somewhat lax lately. Hoping to at least get a good hike in maybe weekend after next. Meanwhile, it's reading and dog petting, and trying to recover from the working days and weeks.