In which I come back, ignoring the length of my recent absence.

So I was in a relationship for about a month. Then I broke it off, the usual patterns. Needed alone time, couldn't seem to get it. I never read. I rarely pursued any outside interests. The benefits of being with the other person weren't worth it to me, so I decided to end things. I didn't do it cleanly enough--I was too wishy-washy before ultimately saying what needed to be said, but it was better than past breakups [I always just ghosted or sent a "Dear Jane" text.]

I am kinda-sorta still on the apps but not really looking much anymore. I realized that I have not meant anyone yet in these past two years that have made me comfortable enough to where I am willing to give up the things I enjoy as a single person. I don't know if that's ever going to change.

Work is really miserable. I'm responsible for everthing because I was the only person dumb enough to stay there. I'm trying to re-establish my apathy toward deadlines, etc., but it's hard. And I applied to for the permanent verison of the role I have on a temporary basis, so that will be even more punishment if I do get it, and I'm almost hoping that I don't. Only reason I'm doing it is more money and easier road to retirement.

It looks like the travel plans this summer are happening, so that's something new to be excited about, though it will be a trip out of my comfort zone. I'll be with friends most of the time so it should be okay. Not sure how I'm getting around or what I'm doing after that though. And already worried about what comes afterward.

Never quite got over the end of the marriage. I'm starting to think that idea where it takes half the time of the relationship to be fully past it may be true. The hurt is not quite as deep, it's more to the dull-throb stage and not the shooting pain. Years ago in a poem I compared it to pain of a phantom limb and that is still accurate. I feel a little guilt about the recent breakup, I feel like I'm continuing a cycle of abandonment, even though I was totally imcompatible with the other person. But I wonder if that's what people sometimes do. They are left and so they feel compelled to leave others--similar to what they say about residual hauntings--an endless loop of leaving.