Twilight of the Clod

Just a crap day today, not even In-N-Out could cheer me up....

My birthday is in a couple of days, and I guess that's part of it. Things just aren't good. I'm "on the backside of thirty" as an old country song goes, and although that isn't what's depressing me, just that I feel so far behind as far as where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. I am struggling to start a career. I have no retirement. I have no real stability. My quality of life in my later years is probably going to take a major hit due to all the events of the past few years as far as saving for retirement.

No idea if things will ever improve. I checked out a book of interviews with David Foster Wallace [Gen-X era writer who recently committed suicide] I guess in the hopes of getting some kind of perspective.

I ended up turning down what probably would have been a job---as a customer service rep. I feel guilty about it, but it was a shift that I don't think would work with our household's schedule, also, I guess I still have too much pride to do that kind of work. The whole reason I went to grad school, got into accounting, got my CPA, etc., was to get out of working weird non-standard hours and performing work that didn't require more than a HS diploma. This seemed like taking a major step backward.

Of course, I'm second guessing myself about it now, but I really hate talking on the phone and dealing with people so chances are I would not have done well at it. The main reason I'm having misgivings is that I began my career with the Quasi-Federal Agency with a Reputation for Workplace Violence in a similar, "temporary" position that ended up being a full-time job which I held for nearly seven years and which, sadly, is my most successful workplace experience to date.

The good news and the bad news....

Good news: I did better than last time on the interview. It was a mix between the last two, I had to answer seven or eight pre-printed questions, then got to ask one of my own [and ended up having to answer a couple of others.]

Three person panel this time, yuck. I miss the days of one-on-one interviews, I haven't had one of those since February, I think. I also miss the days of private company interviewing where it's more of a conversation instead of an examination with pre-printed questions.

The bad news: I think it still isn't good enough. I just don't have governmental accounting or auditing experience. And I can't seem to explain things without sounding stupid, although I didn't ramble nearly as much as back in March. Guess if I'm wrong I'll hear something next week. I don't really expect to. Nobody cares if I studied things in school or passed the CPA exam.

Accounting firms *might* start doing a little more in the way of hiring soon, that may be what I end up having to do. It's the only area where I have any experience, even though it's just a year and the work I did isn't relevant to where I am now. I hate the idea of public accounting, but maybe a smaller firm wouldn't be as bad. Anytime the ads say thing about a "Self-starter" though, I know things will be rough.

What is a person supposed to do? I am a good worker, but I'm a follower, not a leader. I'm a self-starter in that I will continue asking if there's anything to help with, but I need guidance, at least at first. I think sometimes self-starter is business-speak for "We are unwilling/unable to train you."

Trying not to think about what's going to happen if I can't find a job by this fall. If I'm going to relocate [probably live with my parents and try to find work] I need to do it while I have unemployment checks coming in. I despise the idea of not seeing my spouse more than a few times a year, but I'm already more than a year unemployed now, and it's not looking good even though I keep applying to things.

Oh well. I'm trying not to think too much about it yet.

Other good news: Although I obviously didn't do 31 posts this month, I at least did better than last month. Well, maybe not good news. No one really cares.

Inactivate....

So...I've decided to register as "Inactive" for my upcoming CPA renewal. I just haven't been able to get the CPE done, I suppose it's a matter of not having the will and just having too many other things to do, and also the usual depression/lack of initiative. Yet another failure on my part.

I have doubts about the whole accounting thing now. Sometimes I think I am a little too smart for my own good. I think I am a capable enough student to where I can do well when taking classes. But just because you are good at something in school doesn't mean you will be good at it in the workplace, and sometimes I wonder if that is what is happening here. Hopefully not. It is probably just the economy. I need to start preparing for the interview next week.

I've also neglected to write here, I still want to write about a favorite writer who passed away a couple of weeks ago. Maybe before the end of the month....

Outta town.

Staying with my wife this week while she's on a business trip. I'm mainly just hanging out in the hotel enjoying the high speed internet. We have a Stone Age dial-up connection at home [right now high speed is a huge hassle to get and we just haven't had the time to mess with it yet] so it's nice to actually be able to really use the Internet, watch movies on Netflix, etc.

Deja vu all over again....the county has called yet again for an interview, and this time it is with the same office I interviewed with back in March. I would wager that I will end up meeting the same people again, and try to somehow convince them that something has changed in the last three months to where I am a good fit for the job that they have already turned me down for. I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Nice to get away from the miserable summer heat at home, too bad we go home tomorrow.

State of the Dis-Union.

I originally called this "75 posts" but it turns out I mis-read my Dorkography and this was more like 65 posts.

Sometimes I think about the purpose of this blog. I am doubtful whether "anyone is out there," and I guess this is about the same as writing in a Word file or what have you.
But I like the idea that this is available for people out there to read, even if no one ever does.

Doing some travelling next week, it will be a nice change of pace. I haven't really traveled anywhere [outside the immediate region] since last fall when I visited my hometown for my grandmother's funeral. Haven't even been to the larger cities within 2-3 hours of here.

No word on the county job, as I said, I'm not optimistic anymore so I will just consider it a pleasant surprise if I get a call. Someone did call today and I got momentarily excited, but then it turned out it was a recruiter [more vague promises, although give them kudos for keeping in touch.]

Allegedly, an unemployment extension may pass next week, which will give breathing room for most of the rest of the year---I will be able to move on to the next "tier" of unemployment benefits, and possibly the one after that.

One of my favorite writers just passed away, and I will write about that next time.

On to the next thing.

The county is supposed to let me know this week, we'll see. If I don't hear anything at all I'll assume I didn't get it.

A place I used to work at during grad school is hiring a bookkeeper, so I'm going to try that. It's a non-profit so the pay will be low but it is more in line with what I feel is my career goal these days. When I worked there before it wasn't in accounting/finance so it may be different this time. We will see what happens.

The Senate is back this week, so the whole unemployment extension drama will start again. It was kind of nice to not have to worry about it last week since they were on vacation. No idea what will happen, people have said "don't worry, they'll pass it," but they were saying that weeks ago and now millions of people have lost their benefits. If I do end up losing them I will probably try to temp and hopefully that can at least help out a little. Our income will be curtailed quite a bit at that point. I'm trying not to worry, but it is hard not to.

Give it a B. Maybe B-.

The interview....similar to the last county interview. Five questions, no real opportunity to ask questions or really interact. It wasn't as bad as last time because the job mainly involves basic accounting, not audit specific experience. Still not sure how well I measure up to the five or six other people. I'm not optimistic, it does not really pay to be these days.

More later. Finished DEAF SENTENCE.