Artifice

I've recently become acquainted [okay, through Patreon] with a somewhat well-known podcaster. She mentioned today during a Zoom hangout that originally she had a division between her "podcast self" and her authentic self, but over the past couple of years she's taken down that wall and has let the listeners be more a part of her life [of course, a lot of her podcast has been her being super vulnerable about her life and past relationships.]

It caused me to wonder about the idea of what some call "masking," which I've pretty much used as a survival tactic for most of my life. I tend to feel like all my interactions with other people are a sort of act...not that I'm phony, but I have to say and do certain things to cause the social gears to move smoothly. Everything is a performance, even if it's a really bland performance, a plastic orange.

Not quitting yet.

Skippsed a month and a half. But I've been reading a lot and went to a book event yesterday. Finished several books lately---OUR COUNTRY FRIENDS by Gary Shteyngart. I saw him speak yesterday. It's the first novel that really deals with the world of 2020. He does it in a way where the pandemic doesn't dominate the novel---it's not solely about the pandemic but the characters are all living in our times. He said something interesting during his talk, he said basically anything written from now on that is set in contemporary times is going to be about the pandemic, comparing it to novels written during WWII. d Even if they weren't war novels, the war hung over them. It's a complicated novel, with a lot of characters and relationships, but I think he handles it admirably. He's been one of my favorite writers of the last decade, beginning with SUPER SAD TRUE LOVE STORY, then the memoir LITTLE FAILURE and his previous novel LAKE SUCCESS. I've also enjoyed his earlier work, ABSURDISTAN, though I don't think I've read his debut novel THE RUSSIAN DEBUTANTE'S HANDBOOK. He is very funny in person. I also enjoy his magazine writing, he had a recent piece in THE NEW YORKER about his botched cirumcision that caused a lot of consternation.

Willy Vlautin is a local writer whom I htink I first read during my Great Recession Book Binge that is chronicled in the early years of this blog. His most recent work THE NIGHT ALWAYS COMES, has a little too much in the way of Portland fan service [there seems to be a local reference in every other sentence.] But his stories catch like wildfire and just about everything I've read by him I've read in no more than a day or two. I just picked up a novel this afternoon from a couple of years ago, DON'T SKIP OUT ON ME which I think I'm probably going to finish tonight. He says he likes to write about broken people and that's what he does. I feel so bad for the characters but I can't wait to see what happens to them next.

I just finished BEWILDERMENT, the new Richard Powers novel, and it's probably one of the saddest things I've read in a while--I'm afraid that it may be our future.

As far as my own future, I don't really know what it holds. My job continues to be a source of unhappiness, and I'm looking elsewhere, but who knows what might happen. My personal life is becoming just wake up, work, read, look at stuff on my phone, go to bed. On weekends, more reading and looking at the phone. The book event was a rare outing, though I'm starting to go to the movies occasionally with a group of people, but I don't see much changing in my life. I'm a rock at the bottom of a stagnant pond.

Anne Tyler's improbable world

These days, I'm craving Anne Tyler novels. She's so very good at writing about people and families in flux. Her writing is comforting, but I wonder if some of her appeal is like the appeal of science fiction and fantasy. The familes and untethered people landing on solid ground are foreign to me, living in the world as I do. It's a balm, but it's also a world I don't know anything about. But I suppose even reptiles dream.

Busy season is over, but work is still not great and I am kind of looking. I'll look harder once my first year is up. Really don't want to move, though I need to probably stick with my current employer. I have golden handcuffs, though they are still a little loose.

Steeling myself for September

This will be my last free weekend for quite a while, I already know we will be working next weekend and mostly likely I won't be off again until October. At least I know what to expect this time. Right now I'm okay with it. I'm trying to be more like one of my slacker coworkers who seems to not really care about work performance.

I applied for a remote job, I'll probably pull the trigger if there's interest and the pay is sufficient. I'd stay here a while longer then maybe go elsewhere eventually, even if just elsewhere in this state where I could maybe get away from apartment living. I miss having more space between myself and others. Sometimes I think that's one of the things that bothers me most, that I'm back to the lifestyle of 25 years ago.

Feeling better momentarily, but I know last year I began slipping into a funk around this time that i never entirely got out of, so here we are again. No smoke in the air at least, for right now. I don't get out much anymore at this point, have lost interest. Keep thinking, is this it? I'm starting to think of everything in past tense. I'm at least sleeping better....

The Dream Life

I haven't remembered my dreams much over this past year or so. I seem to get the bare minimum amount of sleep necessary to function, but only lately have I felt rested and slept deeply enough to remember many of my dreams. My dream life has not yet caught up to my real one. I still am married in my dreams, and make decisions based on how they'll affect both of us, worrying about things that my spouse probably won't like or agree with. Speaking of which, we are approaching the one year anniversary of my divorce being final.

I'm curious how long it will be before my dreams catch up to reality, before they will start to reflect the world I'm in now. My cell phone is pretty common in my dreams at this point, I don't know how many times I've dreamt about posting to Instagram or Facebook. It stands to reason that eventually my relaitonship status would make its way to my subconscious.

I did dream about someone I dated at the beginning of the year and with whom things ended badly, but thankfully ended just the same[bullet dodged.] I really told them off in my dream, so in that sense I guess I got closure. That is a common theme when I do remember my dreams, being able to really let loose and tell someone what I really think. Maybe it's something i should emulate in real life...

Seven squared.

I am now seven squared years old.

The world seems to be getting more busy, and I am trying to keep up with it. I miss the days of 2020 when streets were quiet. Keep going back to that thought---what if I end up hating the normal version of this city? What I preferred everything to be closed? I like when people keep their distance from you when you walk past them. I often still do that. I hate the new variant, but I am starting to put the mask on again and avoid certain events.

I'm in a long distance relationship now and it's so much better than being with someone all the time. I will always need my own space, some separate parts of my life. I like the novelty and excitement of not seeing one another very often and wanting to treasure the days. I still feel not quite fully ready, but I've learned if you wait for the perfect time to do something, that moment never arrives.

I'm most happy about the library being open, and having a pile of books again. I have a pile of books I currently own, but it's just not the same. I also still buy books frequently.

My job is not great, and I'm not sure if I can do it long term. I can if I quit caring. I think that's how government workers end up the way they do.

"I am here, and you are where you are..."

Still mourning the old life while trying to start the new one often doesn't feel like living at all. I have flareups of regret. What happened I guess was inevitable, but still feels like I could have done something different. Maybe it's karma. But I'm going to try as hard as I can to make a life....